Cold, Cold Heart
by AMKelley
Summary: Rick doesn't remember the last time he actually saw Carl smile. He's too cold and distant now, letting the world around him shape him into something apathetic. Rick can't help but feel responsible for that.


"Hey, Patrick," Rick greets as he makes his way into the cell block.

As he walks in further Rick notices the young boy tinkering with the set of legos he got for Carl on a run last week. He eyes the pieces almost surreptitiously, feeling a tight pinch of acrimony as his gift to Carl is enjoyed by someone else. Maybe Rick is a little upset, but not with Patrick. It just makes his heart drop to think his son didn't have time for fun anymore.

"Hi, Mr. Grimes," Patrick beams, looking up at the man from behind his glasses.

"Have you seen Carl?" Rick inquires, looking around briefly.

"I think he just went out on watch, sir," Patrick replies with extra pep in his voice. He holds up his half finished structure with an awkward smile. "Thanks for grabbing these by the way."

"Well, I thought Carl might want to..."

Rick trails off, giving Patrick the hint that they were meant for Carl and not him. He wasn't necessarily scolding Patrick for playing with the legos, just informing him. Patrick looks down at the lego blocks in his hands, almost ashamed as if he were in trouble, and raises his gaze back up at Rick. Rick can see Patrick's cheeks flush a bit with embarrassment.

"They were just sitting there, like they hadn't been touched in a while," Patrick explains, offering a nervous smile to convey his apologies. "I'm sorry. I wasn't sure if I was allowed or not. I should've asked first."

"No, it's fine," Rick assures, coming up to sit next to Patrick on the ground. "I was just hoping to see Carl have something other than a gun in his hands for once."

Patrick nods his head knowingly, sympathizing with the man's feelings even though he didn't have the right words to express it. He picks up another rectangular piece and snaps it into place, side glancing briefly to notice Rick watching him curiously. Rick seems to be amused by Patrick's preoccupation with toys, seeing as how Patrick is in his mid-teens. Patrick feels the need to explain himself even now.

"I'm not ashamed they're for ages four to twelve," Patrick informs Rick, meeting the older man's gaze with a humble attitude.

"Nor should you be," Rick agrees.

He pats the boy on the back tenderly, smiling at Patrick before the latter goes back to building. He watches Patrick snap more bricks into place, creating a small structure out of angular plastic squares. There's something about sitting next to Patrick and observing his creation in the making that makes Rick nostalgic. Not of his own childhood, but of Carl's.

Rick remembers a time when Carl was just a happy child without a single care in the world, living everyday with a smile... But all of that seemed like a distant memory now. Rick doesn't remember the last time he actually saw Carl smile. He's too cold and distant now, letting the world around him shape him into something apathetic. Rick can't help but feel responsible for that.

There's an emptiness within Rick and it makes his chest ache greatly. Rick looks down at Patrick, wondering how the boy could be so optimistic with nothing but legos. Patrick is seemingly innocent and Rick finds himself reaching out to wrap an arm around the kid's shoulders to pull him into a chaste embrace.

Patrick doesn't protest or show any apprehension towards the gesture, though he does pause briefly in building his structure. Maybe it's inappropriate on Rick's part, but his intentions are pure, and Patrick doesn't seem to mind much by the intrusion. In fact, the boy welcomes it, going so far as to scoot in closer to the older man. Patrick may be blissfully ignorant to most things, but the sad desperation screams throughout Rick's weary frame.

There is comfort in Patrick's willingness to reciprocate his embrace and Rick supposes it's been a while since Patrick was consoled by a parental figure. Patrick carries on with the legos as if nothing is amiss and Rick lets himself fall into the fantasy that Patrick is his child who hasn't been corrupted by the apocalypse yet.

"What are you building?" Rick asks, brushing a hand through Patrick's hair to fuss with it like a mother hen.

"Police cruiser," Patrick responds. He holds up the mostly finished structure, turning it in his hand to show the red and blue blocks serving as the lights. "You were a cop, huh?"

"I was," Rick says, tightening his arm around Patrick.

"I wish I could be brave like you," Patrick comments, sounding lost in thought.

"You don't want to be like me, Patrick," Rick rebukes lightly.

It's possibly the best advice he's given anyone so far and Rick finds himself holding the boy even closer as if he has to protect Patrick from the cruelty of the world before he can get any ideas. Rick presses a chaste kiss into Patrick's hair, lingering momentarily before perching his chin on top of the boy's head. Patrick rests his head in the junction of Rick's neck and shoulder, causing Rick's cold heart to fill with a warmth Carl no longer provoked inside him.

Rick experiences clarity he hasn't felt in such a long time and he doesn't want to let go of it. Not yet. Then again, it's really not up to Rick how this plays out now. Because no matter how tightly he holds onto Patrick or how democratic he tries to appear, Rick knows there will come a day when even he can't protect anyone from the horrors outside these walls anymore.

Carl and Lori were proof of that.


End file.
